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Yellowstone Protocol Yellowstone Protocol

“Frank smiled “Good story. Stick to it. Danann knows you didn’t get overpowered.” Angel thought for a second and said “She can’t read minds or anything, right?” Frank shook his head “Nope. She makes stuff out of other stuff. It’s kind of like she directly manipulates the atomic make-up of anything she touches.” Angel nodded and said sadly “Yeah… like creepy ass green-butterfly-girl manipulated me.”

Frank looked surprised, as surprised as he could behind black sunglasses, “No way! You met Dancingriver herself. What’s she like?” Angel thought for a second and replied “Actually…She’s kind of a bitch.” Frank laughed in a good-natured way “They all are like. They hate us fiercely, but at least there has been no major conflicts between our species since the war ended.”

Angel’s face fell and she asked in confusion “The war?”

Frank nodded “Did you know only about two hundred thousand American soldiers, both North and South, died fighting each other during the civil war but a total of eight hundred thousand died. What do you think killed the other six hundred thousand?” Angel shrugged “Dysentery?” Frank waved a hand “Some, yes, but, six hundred thousand? There’s no way. What you don’t learn in high school history about the US civil war is that it wasn’t just between North and South, it was North versus South versus fairies who decided to take advantage of the chaos to rack up a body count.” Angel frowned “Then, why don’t they teach that in high-school?” Frank continued “It’s one of the provisions of the treaty, total denial of the existence of fairies or any other magical creatures.” Angel asked “Other magical creatures?”

Frank opened his mouth to speak, but a crashing sound came from the bushes. Frank snapped to a tactical stance and pulled out his pistol. He cocked it quickly and trained it on the bushes as the crashing sound grew closer. Angel raced around behind him. She crouched there feeling eerily defenseless in her bright orange jumpsuit, which offered no camouflage, and without any weapon.

A sitting duck…

Danann burst forth from the bushes and said “Don’t shoot, Frank, it’s me.” Frank raised his pistol to the sky for safety and slowly lowered the hammer on his pistol with his thumb as he breathed out a sigh of relief.  Angel stood back up and whispered “Who did you think it would be?” Frank replied “Separatists, malcontents, terrorists… pick your favorite word. Just like us, Fairies don’t exactly have uniform opinions on politics. Not all their kind thinks it was such a good idea to sign a peace-treaty with humans. Many yearn for the good old days of open combat.”

Danann stepped out from the shrubbery “So, are you filling in Agent Blair on a bit of history?” Frank nodded as he re-holstered his gun and replied “Just a bit.” Angel peered behind Frank at Danann and asked “You don’t regret having a peace-treaty with humans, do you?” Danann smiled and replied “Angel, I’m the one who negotiated it.” Danann cocked her head to the side and said “Now. Let’s get you a proper fairy weapon and attire.”

Angel’s eyes darted back and forth. She replied “Based on what I saw, it doesn’t seem Fairies are too big on clothing.” Danann gestured to herself “This one is. Avert your eyes briefly Frank.” Danann walked up and Frank demurely turned his back towards them. Danann lay a hand on Angel’s sleeve and Angel felt the orange jumpsuit suddenly grow incredibly cold for a second and then blistering hot. Not much pain came from this sudden temperature transition as it lasted for only a momentary flash. When Angel looked back down, she saw that she now wore a smart, formal-looking black pants-suit, same as Danann. Angel frowned and Danann asked “Don’t like it?” Angel shook her head and said “I’m more of a hoodie and jeans kind of girl. But…” Before she could finish the sentence her clothing shifted again and transformed into a gray hoodie and jeans. Angel blinked “Cool. Thanks.” Danann smiled and said “Didn’t seem right to do it earlier just to have you traipsing around the woods in your new clothes. Now, let’s get you a proper Fairy weapon.”

Angel looked at Frank, who had now turned back around and back at Danann. Angel asked “A fairy weapon. What’s that? Like a magic wand or a sword or something?” Danann chuckled and picked up a large rock from the side of the road “This should be heavy enough.” She said. Angel frowned “You’re giving me a rock?” Danann shook her head “Nope. I’m giving you a choice. Personally, I’m a Glock model 22 kind of girl, but you get to…” Angel’s eyes shot up “You can make a rock into a gun!?” Danann smiled wryly and nodded…”

You are Worthless You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day

You Are Worthless is the self-help book from hell. This bracing blast of negativity takes aim at the impossibly cheerful inspirational self-help books flooding the market and hits the bullseye, with chapters such as Your Good-for-Nothing Friends, Your Miserable Job, and Life: What's the Use.

This hilarious parody collects hundreds of tidbits of painful reality such as You're no good, you're not great-looking, and you're going to die someday and it's probably going to hurt. Who among us isn't sick to death of the gushy, new-agey inspirational books that blindly assert that everyone is worthy? We all know the truth, and this book is as refreshing as a slap to the face.

Just some of the depressingly humorous nuggets of truth include:

* You don't really have any outstanding qualities. It's safe to say you're pretty much just like everybody else.

* The only reason your pet likes you is because you feed it.

* As you get older, you are going to have less and less control over your bladder.

* If you take a big risk and follow your dream, chances are you're going to fall flat on your face.

You Are Worthless also features a section called Hopeless Role Models from History, including Helen Keller (I've had it), and Abraham Lincoln (The only thing I'm good at is losing).