From comedy writer, public speaker, and founding editor of The Onion Scott Dikkers comes this laugh-out-loud hilarious guide to surviving and thriving under Donald Trump’s presidency.
With satirical graphics, pictorials, news columns, and bulletins that are screamingly funny to everyone regardless of political persuasion, this is the ultimate handbook to the forty-fifth President of the United States.
Everything from a schematic of Trump’s presidential chariot (with missile launchers) to a handy pictorial that explains how Trump would have won every American war in three days or less is included in this sidesplitting anthology. Discover more about the new President with articles such as “Inside the Twitter War Room” and “If Einstein Was So Smart, Why Wasn’t He Rich?”
This work was previously published as Trump’s America: The Complete Loser’s Guide.
Other books in this genre:
A grocery store can’t expect repeat business if its checkers unleash Armageddon. This truism governs Debbie Devil, dedicated supermarket checker and horny, estranged wife of Satan. Debbie sets her sights on Joe Thorvald, a God-fearing, Lutheran. If she can get him to eat a mushroom his soul and his hunky body will be hers.
Debbie tells her sidekick, Bertram, a British cook, to change Joe’s memory, body, circumstances, era, and life, until the Lutheran becomes a man who will eat mushrooms. But there will be only so many attempts on Joe’s soul before she unleashes Armageddon out of spite.
God sends the angels General Lee and Pedro Erickson, a Mexican-Swedish chef, to protect Joe. They fight back with Heaven’s culinary weapons, tacos and Swedish meatballs.
Along the way, Joe changes into a fun-loving dinosaur and a Greek warrior with an ass harder than bronze before being sent to Hell for nonpayment of his hospital bill. Can Lee and Pedro Erickson save the soul of a Lutheran hunk and prevent Armageddon? Ja caramba.
From the author of We’re French and You’re Not and The Fur West, De Lancey entertains supreme as he distills cooking to the simplest of terms—from boiling water (and identifying the stove) to preparing timeless classics from every corner of the globe including scrumptious Beef Stroganoff and Greek Wraps with tzatziki sauce. Every recipe is followed by hilarious tidbits, such as, ‘King Louis XV ate boiled eggs every Sunday. This practice ceased with his death.’
Eat Me is a cookbook spiced with comedy, leavened with silliness while still fully informative and functional. A great read for anyone's kitchen.
The Definitive Humor-Writing Handbook From A Top Comedy Pro
This easy-to-follow guide, written by one of the world's most successful humor writers, lays out a clear system for creating funny ideas that get big, milk-coming-out-of-your-nose laughs, reliably and repeatably. You'll learn...
* The 3 sure-fire ways to generate material
* The 11 different kinds of jokes and how to tell them
* The secret to permanently overcoming writer's block
* And many more tips, tricks, and techniques
Table of Contents
Use the techniques in this book to reliably create top-notch humor writing (page 9)
2 Your Brain's Comedy Engine
Access both hemispheres of your brain to eliminate writer's block and tap an endless reserve of comedy ideas (page 19)
3 The Humor Writer's Biggest Problem
Overcome this one devastating obstacle to reach the widest possible audience (page 27)
4 How To Get Laughs
Understand the different kinds of laughs, and how to generate the best one (page 37)
6 Subtext: The Secret Ingredient
Infuse your humor with this vital component to create writing that makes people laugh (page 51)
6 The 11 Funny Filters
Create any joke using the 11 fundamental building blocks of humor (page 61)
Funny Filter 1: Irony (page 62)
Funny Filter 2: Character (page 64)
Funny Filter 3: Shock (page 70)
Funny Filter 4: Hyperbole (page 74)
Funny Filter 5: Wordplay (page 77)
Funny Filter 6: Reference (page 81)
Funny Filter 7: Madcap (page 85)
Funny Filter 8: Parody (page 90)
Funny Filter 9: Analogy 9(page 4)
Funny Filter 10: Misplaced Focus (page 96)
Funny Filter 11: Metahumor (page 99)
7 Using The Funny Filters
Layer the building blocks to create increasingly hilarious jokes (page 105)
8 Process Overview
Master this simple system to become a prolific humor writer (page 127)
Click "Look inside" to see more!
The path was well worn, for they came in numbers.
To many, the journey had taken the form of almost religious homage. But for the majority, the subjugated, it was a feared and tortuous trek into the unknown.
Penance or penalty – who could tell? It mattered not.
Even those forced to accompany their masters on frequent trips were fearful of stumbling upon unexpected terrors. For this was an unforgiving land - a strange, soulless wood land, fraught with dread and trepidation around every turn. A land inhabited by a species of beings, shy by nature, who would gather in small groups but scamper into the darkened recesses when approached by outsiders. For it would seem they too were tormented by the unknown.
Colin had been here before, of course. Most of the village’s menfolk had.
But this particular command to saddle up the iron horse and prepare for a new venture into the living, breathing nightmare took him by surprise. Surely his master had laid sufficient sacrifices at the altar of Ingvar to last until the year end at least? Had their dues not been fully satisfied? What more could be required of them?
Colin’s hands were visibly shaking as he prepared for the journey. A survival pack was hastily replenished with revitalising fluids, spectacles, a mobile communicator and most importantly, cash. The god, Ingvar rewarded the offering of cash. This Colin knew only too well.
The short trip to the edge of the mysterious wood land passed quietly and the iron horse was securely stored in a place that would later become as difficult to find as the end of a rainbow.
Colin’s master led the way towards, and through the rotating gates to the place of nightmares. Colin took a deep breath and closed his eyes as, from somewhere deep within, he found the courage to follow.
Instantly, his heart sank. His knees trembled. His head felt as if it were being squeezed by a contracting band of steel. Experience, however, reassured him.
“Focus on the positive. Always the positive,” he told himself. If his master was in benevolent mood, there may be a reward at the end of the trek. Assuming he made it through unscathed, that was.
Trailing a discreet distance behind his master, Colin joined the sluggard masses. Eye contact with the other subjugates proved difficult, but when by chance glances were exchanged, he could see into the very souls of the others. They were neither dead, nor undead. They were caught in a twilight world where all emotion had been thwarted. Until they made it to the other side (if they made it to the other side) their minds belonged to their masters. Only the naïve or plain stupid would offer up opinions of negativity. Even those who opined what they considered a neutral indecisiveness would be ruthlessly smote down in a volley of retribution.
As they wandered deeper and deeper into the petrifying forest, their masters would casually pick up items for brief inspection, pat them, then cast them aside once again. Colin and the other subjugates, however, would become disorientated and nauseous. Their very existence lay in the hands of the masters. So long as they remained no more than a few steps behind, and didn’t let them slip out of sight, they knew it would all have to end. Eventually.
Focus. Envisage the end. How good will it feel when it’s all over?
And then it was.
Suddenly, the trail opened up. No longer was it a random path meandering throughout the heavily wooded area. It was now a straight, direct walkway through a deep valley, dwarfed on both sides by mountainous blocks erected in temple-like fashion – a place for final worship before leaving the kingdom of Ingvar.
The mood of Colin and the numerous other subjugates visibly brightened. Their pace increased. Their gait lightened. They were nearly home. All that remained was to wade through the wide, but traversable rapids.
It had been done before. This was do-able.
And there, in the near distance, the reward. Colin’s master gave that look. Simply translated, it meant: ‘Yes. Ok. You’ve been good. Go on.’
And Colin ran and Colin skipped over to the reward. Now – ice cream or hot dog? Or maybe some meatballs to take-away? Or some cinnamon rolls?
Weekend visits to Ikea were sometimes worth the grief.
The next evening, Carissa stood outside and beat her flashlight against the palm of her hand. Really? Why did the batteries have to die now? She cursed under her breath and fished her phone out of her back pocket, second-guessing her aversion to smartphones. Her little flip phone didn’t have a flashlight, and the camera flash didn’t last long enough to get anything done. Frustrated, she straightened up and turned to Aden. He’d shown up a few minutes earlier, wondering what she was doing, and even offered to help. He said he could see everything as clear as day.
She looked back at her malfunctioning flashlight, and then back to the man on the sidewalk. She huffed out a breath.
“Okay, Mr. I-Can-See-Perfectly-In-The-Dark, come over here and find the darn thing for me,” Carissa said, rolling her eyes.
His grin wolfish, Aden sprinted up her walkway. “You have to admit it, first.”
Carissa snorted. “Admit what? That you’re a creeper who only comes out at night and likes to spy on me whenever you get the chance?”
He winced. “I haven’t been spying on you. I live across the street. Do you expect me to never look out my windows?”
Carissa laughed, wrinkling her nose at him. His sentiment was oddly close to hers. “Okay, I’ll give you that, but you’re still a creeper.”
Aden stepped closer, closing the distance until she had to look up to see his eyes. She sucked in a breath. He didn’t look socially awkward tonight. “That’s not what you really think. Admit it. You have a crush on me.”
“Pfft. That’s what you think. I’ve said no such thing,” Carissa said, pushing on his chest. “I barely know your stubborn ass.”
Aden didn’t budge. His mouth turned up. “For now.” He looked down at the ground. “How badly do you need that key?”
Carissa slapped her hands on her hips. “Very. I can’t get into work without it.”
Aden reached out and gently tugged on her ponytail. “So, just admit the truth, and I’ll get it for you.”
Carissa rolled her eyes, her mouth twitching. “I’ll just wait until morning.”
Aden chuckled. “Ah, yes, the enviable day. And just how many of those have you had since you lost it?”
Carissa narrowed her eyes. “Two,” she muttered.
He raised an eyebrow at her. Damn the man. He knew she couldn’t find it without his help. “Fine!” she grumbled, “You’re not the most unattractive man I’ve ever seen.”
He stared at her for a moment, blinking, then his deep laugh flooded out, wrapping her in the resonating warmth of his amusement. Aden touched his finger gently to her chin. “You are the most contrary woman I’ve ever met.”
Carissa crossed her arms over her chest and tried not to think about the spark that ignited at his lightest touch. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”
Aden chuckled again, and turned away, bending down to look on the ground underneath the vibrant orange flowers in her flowerbed. He stood up almost immediately, the tiny metal key in the palm of his hand.
“It looks like it was in your garden the whole time.”
She tilted her head to the side. He was hiding something. “You knew it was there, didn’t you?”
Aden dusted his fingers off and stuffed his hands in his pockets. He flashed her a wicked grin. “If I did, are you going to punish me?”
Carissa smacked his arm, eying his large muscles. “I doubt I would succeed if I tried. No, I think I might be better off running.”
His grin widened, showing a hint of teeth. “I could tackle you before you ever reached the driveway.”
Carissa gulped. The driveway was a fair distance away from where they stood. How could he be that fast? She shook her head, more confused over the fact that she wasn’t scared. Aden was mysterious, and as she noticed the first night she saw him, magnificent. And he also looked a little sheepish. Maybe he wasn’t as cocky as he was trying to seem. Carissa pulled the sunglasses off the top of her head – they’d been there since she started looking...during the day – and hooked them into the front of her shirt to give her hands something to do, something to keep from touching him again.
She wasn’t used to all this attraction bombarding her senses. He was obviously flirting, and she didn’t know how to handle it. He reached out and gently rubbed his thumb over her cheek.
“I’m not going to hurt you, Carissa. I couldn’t,” he said softly.
Her breath hitched, the mental plug in her heart shifting. Her eyes met his, the deep blue of his gaze more shocking than the zap she’d received from the cable box a few hours prior. His thumb left her cheek, slowly tracing the outline of her mouth. Her knees went weak, and she instinctively grabbed his biceps to keep from falling. His other arm encircled her waist, pulling her firmly against his hard chest. His fingers trailed her spine, ending with the lightest of touches to the back of her neck. She gulped again.
His face lowered toward her, his lips moving ever closer to her own. Her heartbeat sounded like jungle drums in her ears, buzzing with the fire of her intense attraction. He stopped, eyes on hers, a breath away from her mouth. His eyes grew brighter the longer she looked. Her tongue darted out to moisten her lips, and his eyes flashed, the light illuminating his face.
Carissa jumped back with a squeak, stumbling backward up her stairs while Aden stared, mouth wide in shock. She shook her head. “I-I’m sorry, Aden. I have to, uh, do laundry.” She turned and ran inside, locking the door behind her with a snap.
She leaned against the wall, her hand over her wildly beating heart. His eyes glowed. Glowing eyes. Carissa closed her own. That was not possible. She’d wanted to know more about him and who he was, but now she had a more important question:
What was Aden?
We’re French and You’re Not is a hilarious romp focusing on the clueless French millionaire, Robert, and the effects of his diary on the conventional Wisconsin farm boy, Frank.
While in America, Robert and his constant companion Jean meet Henrietta Montcalm, a meek and nervous redhead. Their influence turns her into a feisty woman wanted by the police.
Henrietta decides to marry Robert and guides them toward a wedding Reno. Jean can’t stand the thought of Robert giving up his bachelor lifestyle, so naturally he tries to kill him. Neither Jean, a burning hotel, nor fighter jets stop Henrietta from marrying Robert and taking off for her honeymoon.
Along their way, they incidentally: squash the Queen’s dog, fly a small plane inside an airport terminal, run McDonald’s in a very French way, rent exploding furniture, open childcare in Mammoth Caves, establish a gourmet hospital, and drive their Geo Metro the wrong way in the Indy 500.
Sacre bleu, what fun things the Wisconsin farm boy learns about the world.
I was with three dogs, all from the same household: Ozzie, a bouncy, athletic and energetic bearded collie cross; Gem, a lovely-natured little Staffordshire bull terrier; and Sam, a rather overweight, but ultra-sociable Cairn terrier whose short, stumpy legs struggle to keep his belly from trailing the ground.
In a country park, high in the hills that overlook Paisley and Glasgow, we were following our regular route. As normal, I checked each field for sheep and cattle before entering. Except, on this occasion the cattle were not apparent from the entrance and were actually ensconced in an obscured dip, around a bend.
The three dogs were off-lead and slightly ahead of me as they charged through the open ground. Well, Ozzie and Gem, at least – Sam was mooching his way around as usual, searching for scraps of discarded picnic food and leaving his scent-mark on just about every raised tuft of grass that he passed.
I knew something was wrong the instant all three stopped what they were doing and stood still. Gem threw me a look from over her shoulder which I loosely translated as:
“We’ve got a problem …”
Confronting us now, and quickly rising to their feet, were about twenty cows. Worse - they each had their young with them.
I returned Gem’s look, hoping she’d interpret it as:
“Keep calm, and walk slowly towards the woods.”
At least in there, I reckoned, the cattle would have no room to charge us, and if we were seen to be walking away from them, hopefully they’d realise we intended no harm to their calves.
The most vociferous of the herd was by now no more than four metres from me. She was snorting and stamping her front hooves on the ground. The others were becoming more animated and vocal as they circled us. I shot a look towards the wooded area, some fifty metres away.
The alarmed baying of the group in front of us had alerted a splinter-herd, who had been resting-up in the shade of the very same woods.
Gem slowly turned her head towards me, a quizzical look on her face. I think she was saying:
“What now, wise-guy?”
‘What now?’ indeed.
Well, Ozzie, being of nimble foot, had already made himself scarce and scarpered towards the bottom end of the field. Gem, ever so trusting, was still awaiting instruction.
Sam, completely unaware of any possible danger, decided he’d like to make friends with the cattle. This was not helping, at all.
A car stopped on the road that bisects the park, and the driver came to the fence around a hundred metres away. From his vantage point, down the slope from where we were cornered, he could see a gap forming in the herd. He shouted to me and pointed to where we should run.
And run we did – Gem close by my side.
It was, as I’d read in magazine articles, ‘every man and dog for themselves,’ as we, the faithful Gem and myself, raced through the break in formation. Sam, however was still dithering around with his new ‘pals.’
“Come on Sam” I hollered. “BISCUITS!”
That did the trick. His little legs were a blur as he tried to catch up, more afraid of missing out on a treat than the danger of being trampled and kicked to death by an irate cow or two.
We quickly reached the sanctuary of the road, where Ozzie was waiting:
“What kept you?” I could imagine him panting.
After more than 10 years and six books, including the national bestseller "I Went to College and it was okay," Jim is back with the new prequel, "I Finally Graduated from High School." Fans of the popular "Jim's Journal" comic strip have lived vicariously through Jim as he calmly and existentially meandered through college, a job, getting married, and making brownies. In this poignant new collection of comics, we join Jim as his adult life begins: through his final weeks of high school, a lazy summer, and going off to college. This special collection of droll and hilarious new comic strips rendered in Jim's signature minimalist style comes from "Jim's Journal" creator Scott Dikkers after a more than 10-year hiatus from the comic strip. It features all the weekday comic strips as well as the bigger Sunday strips created for the debut of "Jim's Journal" on Universal Press Syndicate's GoComics (www.gocomics.com/jimsjournal). Join Jim's fans on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/jimsjournal.
"That's lovely, okay, look this way, marvellous, hold it right there." I look around me to locate the source of the words ringing in my ears as I approach the grand, stately venue of this year's biggest event in the fashion calendar.
It crosses my mind that I might be about to stumble upon a fashion shoot as I enter the piazza, only to discover a group of amateur photographers jostling for pole position to get pictures of anyone among the cluster of people crowding the entrance who might be wearing something vaguely fashionable or different.
I stop and watch with amusement the parasites with their rocket-fuelled egos, posing and posturing for the camera-wielding onlookers and their ever-extending and retracting lenses.
On the Nature of Re: Genesis
God entered Freud’s consulting room. He wasn’t sure why he was there but he knew that his job depended on it. The memo was clear:
Our records indicate that you are due for a psychiatric examination with the company's chief psychoanalytical clinician. Please report to his office in room 3 beginning on Tuesday, October 11th, as per section G in your contract. Failure to comply will result in your immediate dismissal from the call center and you will no longer be granted access to the facilities of Heaven Inc.
God expected the room to look different. He was prepared to enter a neat and organized space. Instead it was a cluttered mess. There were chotchkies everywhere, seeming to represent some kind of unfocused history. Aborted fertility goddesses from various cultures and lopsided Paleolithic bowls lay strewn about the study while arrowheads took their rest in a display case overhead. Tablets with hieroglyphics and cuneiform scrawlings sat in holders on a desk. The dead languages were showcased, as if to suggest something about psychoanalysis itself.
The walls were covered with pictures of people, places, and certificates. One picture looked like a photograph of the statues at Abu Simbel. On closer examination; however, it wasn’t Abu Simbel at all. Perhaps it wasn’t even Egyptian but rather Nubian, those wannabes from the south that during Egypt’s worst period of decline saved the great dynasty from her own self destruction. After the Great Ramses died. God searched around, wondering if the mummy of the mightiest pharaoh might be hidden in the room. No soiled linens were found.
“Gutten tag,” said a voice slathered in a thick German accent. Freud appeared. He sat in a chair next to the daybed where God was soon to lay back. In the corner was a bust of Caesar or some other emperor from the Julio-Claudian dynasty of Rome. Or it could have been Alexander the Great. Who the fuck knew. This ode to history was terribly garbled. Everything that was once truth seemed to get mixed up here, in this room.
“Would you like to try some cocaine?” Freud offered. “I think you will find it picks you up quite nicely.”
“No thanks,” God declined, holding his soft hands up to show his resistance.
“Okay then, please have a seat,” Freud pointed at the daybed covered with an old patterned rug that extended onto the floor. A matching piece covered a piano stool in front of a shelf. Books written by Freud lined the shelf with titles like, Beyond the Pleasure Principle, Studies on Hysteria, The Interpretation of Dreams, Psychopathology and Everyday Life, and Totem and Tabu, which served as the doctor’s ode to egocentricity.
God sat on the couch and noticed that it felt softer than it looked. But a cloud of dust wafted up from the carpet when he sat. A sneeze escaped God. He had hoped for leather. The smell of cured cow hide pleased Him.
“Hello God. My name is Doctor Sigmund Freud.” Freud cleaned white powder off of his glasses with a cloth that he kept on the small table which held the floating Roman head. “Do you know why you are here?”
“I received a memo from the CEO that I was due for a psych exam today. So, I assume that is why I am here. I didn’t realize that these exams were mandatory.”
“Well, I assure you that this is normal,” Freud lied. This was certainly not a normal practice for employees of Heaven Inc. and Freud knew this. In fact, only the CEO knew that this was taking place. Something big was coming down the pipe at Heaven Inc. Freud desperately wanted to be a part of it.
“Sure. I am just hoping that this won’t take too long. I’m very busy.”
“This discussion will happen over several days but no more than an hour at a time. I know that you are busy at the call center. Don’t worry though, you have been signed out for these sessions.” Freud looked at the cocaine. He rubbed his nose, thinking about taking another hit. He declined, though, wondering if his heart, which was about to drum its way out of his chest, could take it.
God sighed. “Can we please get on with this?”
“Sure. Let’s start with the present. Tell me about your job.” Freud slipped a notepad and pen out of his inside jacket pocket. The booklet was empty except for a single name: God. He flipped to page one, pen in hand, prepared to jot notes down.
“There’s isn’t much to tell. I’m a B2C, or Business to Consumer representative at Heaven Inc, as you probably already know. Essentially, I handle in-bound Judeo-Christian calls to heaven.”
“Excellent. Take me through the beginning of your day. What does a typical morning look like for you?”
“Most days start out pretty normal. I get to work around eight, setup at my station and then take calls. But, as I’m sure that the cameras and swipe cards indicate, lately I find myself checking around to see if anyone is watching me sneak in a little late. I get this feeling that I’m being watched. I know it sounds paranoid. I have to say though, I do generally like the gods I work with.”
Freud feverishly scribbled notes. He was looking for anything that could be incriminating. While this wasn’t nearly enough to provide the CEO with the ammunition he needed to dispose of God, it was certainly going in the desired direction already.
“My seat is close to the entrance so I try to move quickly and throw my backpack and jacket under the desk in one quick sweep. I’m not even sure how my headphones go on, it just happens so naturally now. I lean back in my chair, and adjust my mic. I casually look at the time, like I’ve been sitting there for two hours. I yawn, even if I don’t need to. Then it’s time to get a coffee.”
Freud stopped scribbling. He tapped the pen against his nose, “Why is it that you are late so often?”
God sighed, “Bacchus,” he admitted.
“Bacchus?” Freud leaned forward. “I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but Bacchus was a patient of mine quite some time ago. Don’t tell me that he’s on another drinking frenzy,”
“Yes. He’s been on a real tear lately. He calls me religiously at nine PM and insists that we should go out. I try to tell him that I have to work in the morning but he retorts, telling me that he knows a place where the drinks will be stronger, the dancing better, the girls prettier than the night before. I can’t believe that he is always right! Somehow each night is a little better than the last. The beer and liquor and wine flow like milk and honey and… wine. It’s really hard to say no!”
“Bacchanalia, indeed! But let us shelf that discussion for later. For now, why don’t you tell me about the people with whom you work?”
“Sure. Where to start? Well, in the first row going from left to right, after me, there is Jehovah, Pan Gu, and Buddha. In the Back row from left to right is Janus, Osiris, Ishtar, and Shiva. As you may know, Jehovah is my brother.”
“Good. Good. Tell me more about your brother.”
“Jehovah is the only outbound caller at the center, even though he does manage some call blending. If you were to look at us side by each, our facial features are similar. We dress considerably different though. Jehovah wears a formal eighteenth century red overcoat with a white vest and this white puffy shirt. He dawns a blue scarf around his neck but pulled through like a tie. I have never seen him without his red, white, and blue jester’s hat but the monocle that he sports is new. As you can see, I prefer jeans and a white t-shirt. The most notable difference between us is that Jehovah has a small scar under his left ear which looks oddly like a castle’s watchtower.
“Jehovah always sits with perfect posture, industriously calling away. He is the best salesman I have ever heard. I’ve spent some time listening to him and I remember one of his pitches. If he is on the defensive, he’ll start asking, ‘How could you not want to be a witness?’ And he’ll tell them that, ‘This year we are offering an additional 20 seats into heaven. After this there are only 65 seats available throughout the rest of Earth’s days. Imagine how foolish you will feel if you are left out of heaven. And the best part is, regardless of your personal baggage, you will not go to hell. Being my witness is a guaranteed ticket against going to hell.’ And then he’ll be reaching for a pen because that’s when Jehovah has made a new follower.
“It’s clever to include a get out of hell free card. It seems to convince those on the fence. But then he takes down their banking information – I have no idea why that is required.”
“I see what you mean, he sounds quite talented.” Freud petted his well-manicured beard like he was hoping for it to purr. “How do you feel about his success at Heaven Inc.?”
God hadn’t thought about his brother as successful before. He even looked down his nose at him for making the outbound calls. God decided to answer honestly, “I think he’s a joke. If he was successful, he wouldn’t have to make the calls. The calls would come to him. He works night and day; it isn’t a life.”
“I see. Do you think he feels that way about you?”
“I don’t know. I don’t really talk to him, even at work.”
“Okay. Let’s move on to some of your other colleagues. Who else do you work with?”
“There’s Buddha. If ever I met a hippy-slacker-God, it’s Buddha. Just yesterday I had this strange run in with him. ‘Buddha bless you,’ he says to me. Out of the blue. So I ask him, ‘Why do you refer to yourself in the third person?’ He smiled at me, his eyes bloodshot and half closed. ‘I have some new literature for you today, brother.’ He hands me a half sheet of paper with what appears to be a coffee stain all along the bottom. I take it from his hands and look closely at his face. He’s covered with acne and scars. Still, his smile covers most of his face, as if completely satisfied with himself. ‘Are you happy with your life, brother?’ I can’t make out his accent. I tell him that I am happy with my life. ‘Peace is found within,’ he clichés. I tell him that topical cream is found in the third aisle of the drug store. He looks horrible. ‘You may mock Buddha all you like. You are short sighted.’ Curious, I ask him why he thinks that. ‘This life is but a small fragment of the infinity that is life. Please read the literature and get back to me.’ I joke with him, and tell him sure. And then I ask him kindly to tuck his boobies back in because there are other people working here. His zhen always hangs low and never covers his nipples. I think I still have his literature on my desk if you ever want to look at it.”
“Have you ever looked at it?”
“Okay. Enough said.” He scribbled feverishly in his notebook. “Please tell me more about your colleagues. They sound like fascinating gods.”
“Next to Buddha sits Pan Gu. He’s usually parked on his ass, groaning to himself while bouncing a ying-yang ball off of his belly. His balding head glistens with sweat which he wipes away with his hand and then uses the moisture to shape his goatee into a point. I can’t remember the last time someone called him. Did you know that long, long ago Pan Gu was hatched out of a cosmic egg. It is said that half the shell pushed up to form the sky while the other half was pushed below to form the Earth. He grew taller each day for 18,000 years until the Earth and heavens reached their appointed places. It was then that the lice fell off of his body which became mankind. Some believe that Pan Gu fell apart, but that’s not true. He was hired here, at Heaven Inc.
“In the back left corner paces Shiva. You would think that she is the birth product of the Chernobyl nuclear meltdown with her four hands raised high in the air. Her eyes light as if a fire is burning. I am sure that there is fire because out of her ears steam whistles while yelling at a caller, “I told you not to touch that shrine! Now look at what you have done!” Her intense gaze is set to destroy the world once again.
“Sounds intense! Who is she, exactly?”
“She’s the Hindu goddess of destruction. Part of The Trinity.”
“Okay. Who else is there?” Freud’s foot thumped against the ground while his heart raced in his chest. His arms felt eight feet long as he scribbled notes. Cocaine is a hell of drug, he thought over and over.
“Beside Shiva is Ishtar, the original party girl. Now her story is a little confusing. You might know her as Absusu, Abtaigigi, Dilbah, Gumshea, Har, Kilili, or even Ninkasi, to name a few of her former names. She has absorbed so many deities that it’s difficult to say what she is the goddess of. But, given the way she looks and acts, I would have to say that wine and promiscuity are two of her favorites. Kind of like Janis Joplin, but rougher around the edges.
“Don’t piss her off, though. She will lash out and tear you apart like an angry lion attacking the unsuspecting gazelle. Most of the time, however, she’s just seated slurring to herself while rubbing her Pandora’s Box of venereal disease.”
“Do you believe that this rubbing of the genitalia is a desire for her to have a penis?” Freud took a detour. He always felt the urge to ask this question about women.
“Her? No. That’s Osiris.”
“Who is Osiris?”
“If ever a god could be called a pussy, it would be Osiris. You can see him hunched over his desk occasionally taking a hit off of his salbutamol inhaler for his awful wheezing. We watch him at our desks and wait for him to notice that his penis gone. Then it’s a game of hotter / colder to find it.
Freud squinted his beady eyes, “I don’t understand. How could his penis go missing?”
“Osiris had a rough upbringing on account of his brother, Seth, who I have to say is quite the asshole. Seth didn’t like Osiris, so he killed his brother. Seth packed up the remains in a coffin then shipped it half way across the world. Osiris’ sister-wife, Isis, managed to find Osiris’ dead body which sent Seth into a psychotic rage. Seth chopped Osiris into tiny pieces and scattered each morsel around the world, to ensure that Osiris would never enjoy the afterlife.
“Well, Isis being so obsessively in love with Osiris, went searching for all of the pieces but she never found his penis because it was eaten by some fish in a river. Instead of letting bygones be gone by, Isis fashioned a stiffy for him out of wood. Apropos, right?”
Freud loved this story, “Apropos indeed. How big is it?”
“What, the wood penis?”
“Yes, yes.” He was entirely too excited.
“We have never measured it.”
“Oh. Okay, go on then,” Freud’s excitement quickly vanished.
“I’ve been working at Heaven Inc. for about 2,000 years and it was an old tradition back then to hide Osiris’ penis and make him go looking for it. It’s fun to watch a geek like that get angry and ‘…demand that the location of [his] penis be established immediately or else…’ Once we hid it in Ishtar’s ass but that was just frightening.” Goosebumps were visible on God’s skin as he shuddered.
“Why? Because he couldn’t find it?”
“No, because Ishtar didn’t know it was there!”
“I can see how that might be somewhat disconcerting.”
“So anyway, the only other god that works in the call center is Janus, who seems really two faced. One minute he’ll be looking at you, all smiles and chuckles but he seems to have eyes in the back of his head. And then if you look closer, you might see that he also has a nose back there. And a mouth. He actually has two faces on his head. It’s so creepy.”
“Do you like working with them?”
God looked down at his feet while he thought. “What can I say? These gods are interesting and they keep me amused. The job pays the bills, you know.”
“Do you feel like you’re in a slump at Heaven Inc.?”
God stared at his feet a little longer. He sighed. “Do you mean when it comes to the job itself? I don’t know. It isn’t what it used to be.”
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